While there are some that feel that I should not write about my personal life, I feel compelled to express my thoughts are feelings during what I now find is the most difficult time of the year.
My father died unexpectedly almost twenty three years ago and I remember thinking that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and considering that I was only 20 years old and had just had my first child who was only 6 weeks old...it was. I now know and understand that we all lose loved ones, its inevitable. But loosing my dad would not be the hardest loss that I would have to live with. Loosing a child is unbelievably painful.
He has been gone four and half years but it seems like yesterday. Our last words play over and over in my mind. Not a day goes by without thoughts of him....as a baby, playing baseball, riding in the car with me, or laughing at me for no reason and making me so angry. What went wrong? Why did this happen? Was I a bad parent? Did he hate me? Does he forgive me? The question that I must have been asked a million times haunts me....Why did he do it? I tell my self and others that there is no answer to these questions. Suicide makes no sense unless you consider it to be a disease...like cancer that goes undiagnosed and untreated...its fatal. I try very hard to believe this but continue to have these doubts and questions. I expect that I always will.
Since his death, the holidays have been difficult. This year seemed different though as I actually began to look forward to the plans we had made to celebrate with our other children. Decorating our home was important to me...something I didn't even care to do last year.
Then it happened. I got the news that an acquaintance's son had died by suicide. I went to their home to express my sympathy and confided in the woman that I too lost a child by suicide and I would be there if she ever needed to talk. All of my joy is gone as I know what this family is dealing with and the memories of my own experience have come flooding in.
While loosing my dad wasn't easy and I still miss him to this day, my heart will always ache for my son and the part of myself that died along with him on that wet dreary February.
The Holidays and Loss
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Posted by KayKay at 9:27 PM
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