The Holidays and Loss

While there are some that feel that I should not write about my personal life, I feel compelled to express my thoughts are feelings during what I now find is the most difficult time of the year.

My father died unexpectedly almost twenty three years ago and I remember thinking that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and considering that I was only 20 years old and had just had my first child who was only 6 weeks old...it was. I now know and understand that we all lose loved ones, its inevitable. But loosing my dad would not be the hardest loss that I would have to live with. Loosing a child is unbelievably painful.

He has been gone four and half years but it seems like yesterday. Our last words play over and over in my mind. Not a day goes by without thoughts of him....as a baby, playing baseball, riding in the car with me, or laughing at me for no reason and making me so angry. What went wrong? Why did this happen? Was I a bad parent? Did he hate me? Does he forgive me? The question that I must have been asked a million times haunts me....Why did he do it? I tell my self and others that there is no answer to these questions. Suicide makes no sense unless you consider it to be a disease...like cancer that goes undiagnosed and untreated...its fatal. I try very hard to believe this but continue to have these doubts and questions. I expect that I always will.

Since his death, the holidays have been difficult. This year seemed different though as I actually began to look forward to the plans we had made to celebrate with our other children. Decorating our home was important to me...something I didn't even care to do last year.

Then it happened. I got the news that an acquaintance's son had died by suicide. I went to their home to express my sympathy and confided in the woman that I too lost a child by suicide and I would be there if she ever needed to talk. All of my joy is gone as I know what this family is dealing with and the memories of my own experience have come flooding in.

While loosing my dad wasn't easy and I still miss him to this day, my heart will always ache for my son and the part of myself that died along with him on that wet dreary February.