The Holidays and Loss

While there are some that feel that I should not write about my personal life, I feel compelled to express my thoughts are feelings during what I now find is the most difficult time of the year.

My father died unexpectedly almost twenty three years ago and I remember thinking that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and considering that I was only 20 years old and had just had my first child who was only 6 weeks old...it was. I now know and understand that we all lose loved ones, its inevitable. But loosing my dad would not be the hardest loss that I would have to live with. Loosing a child is unbelievably painful.

He has been gone four and half years but it seems like yesterday. Our last words play over and over in my mind. Not a day goes by without thoughts of him....as a baby, playing baseball, riding in the car with me, or laughing at me for no reason and making me so angry. What went wrong? Why did this happen? Was I a bad parent? Did he hate me? Does he forgive me? The question that I must have been asked a million times haunts me....Why did he do it? I tell my self and others that there is no answer to these questions. Suicide makes no sense unless you consider it to be a disease...like cancer that goes undiagnosed and untreated...its fatal. I try very hard to believe this but continue to have these doubts and questions. I expect that I always will.

Since his death, the holidays have been difficult. This year seemed different though as I actually began to look forward to the plans we had made to celebrate with our other children. Decorating our home was important to me...something I didn't even care to do last year.

Then it happened. I got the news that an acquaintance's son had died by suicide. I went to their home to express my sympathy and confided in the woman that I too lost a child by suicide and I would be there if she ever needed to talk. All of my joy is gone as I know what this family is dealing with and the memories of my own experience have come flooding in.

While loosing my dad wasn't easy and I still miss him to this day, my heart will always ache for my son and the part of myself that died along with him on that wet dreary February.

Waiting for Ike

I was a teenager when Alicia roared across the gulf coast, slamming into Galveston and eventually Houston. We lived much closer to the coast then and I don't think that I consciously understood what was about to happen as my parents scurried around making last minute preparations. I remember waking in the middle of the night to the frightening sound of the howling wind. Sleep would not be had on this night.

I will never forget the sight of the sky as it cleared just at day break. It was amazingly still with the bluest sky and puffiest white clouds. I was thankful that the hurricane was over. Then I was given the bad news by my parents, this was the eye of the hurricane and we had about 3o minutes before the winds would begin again...this time in the opposite direction.

After hurricane Alicia had come and gone, I remember be with out electricity for at least two weeks and possibly three. I also remember it being very hot. We suffered no damage to our property and no one was hurt. Back in those days, people did run from a storm...they hunkered down and rode it out. Looking back, I am glad we didn't evacuate as I am thankful for this memory.

Our plans for tomorrow are to go stay with our daughter in Katy. It's our intention to hunker down and have a hurricane party. Celebrating Hurricane Ike and mother nature's fury. It is my hope that we will have the same outcome as we did in Alica....a memory that will last a life time without any damage to property or life.

A Bond That Can Not Be Broken

One of the most memorable moments of my life occurred two days after your little brother was born. This is the day that you and your dad came to hospital to take us home. I was so anxious to see you that I was waiting at the elevators. When the doors opened you squealed, "Mommy!". All I could do is cry as I was overcome by emotion.

I remember being so worried about how you would accept this new little person into our family, especially once you figured out that he wouldn't be that much fun to play with. I was so worried in fact that I don't remember much more about this day.

My worries became reality over the next several months as you acted out your jealousy. As your brother grew older this jealousy turned into an all out sibling rivalry. Although, there were hints that the rivalry was just an act as you both would team up on me to get what ever you wanted at the time. As time when on, it was evident that you were protective of this little person that you were so jealous of just a few years ago. And in a blink of an eye...the two of you were allies. A bond had been formed. A bond that could not be broken by time or distance.

One of My Favorite Places in Texas

Hamilton Pool

I have been traveling to Hamilton Pool since my daughter was swimming with floaties. It is located just southwest of Austin, TX. The water is cool and the waterfalls relaxing.

Since it is such a beautiful place, it can get crowded and entrance into the park is limited so I suggest arriving early. I also suggest packing at the least some drinks as there is no drinking water available. However, pack as light as possible to hike down to the pool and remember that what ever you carry down has to be brought back up.

The hiking path is uneven and mostly rock. You can find more information on this park here.

This Mornings Breakfast

I love fruit for breakfast!

What I want my daughter to know

Recently, I was reading a blog (this one) and noticed that one of the labels used by this blogger was "what I want my daughter to know". Being a mother myself, I thought that this was a great idea!

Although my daughter is grown and moved away from home there are many things that I wish she knew. Things we would not have time to talk about. These could include personal things about me and our relationship as mother and daughter. It could also include practical advice... things that I have learned the hard way and wish to share to help her avoid having to learn these things the way that I did.

I think that the first thing that I want my daughter to know is that I am proud of her. I am completely amazed by her strength and her love of life.

Oven Fried Cajun Chicken

1 frying chicken (or 6 breasts or 6 leg quarters or thighs)
1 cup flour
black pepper and garlic powder (for sprinkling)
Creole seasoning
paprika
cayenne pepper
1/2 cup butter

Preheat oven to 425°F.

Pat chicken dry with a clean paper towel and sprinkle with garlic powder and Creole seasoning. In a Ziploc bag, combine 1 cup flour, 1/4 teaspoon black pepper, a pinch of cayenne pepper (optional - adjust heat as desired…I use more), 1/2 teaspoon paprika and 1/2 teaspoon Creole seasoning. Close bag and mix well. Shake chicken in the bag with flour and seasonings. Line a 9 x 13 inch glass baking dish with foil. Add butter and place in oven until it sizzles. Place chicken in dish, skin side down. Bake 30 minutes; turn reduce heat to 325°F degrees and bake 35-45 minutes longer or until chicken is cooked through (this depends upon the weight of the chicken). It will be a beautiful golden brown and very tender when done

Bacon Cheeseburger Meatloaf

Recipe courtesy of Paula Deen

1 pound ground chuck
10 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled
1 (8-ounce) package sharp Cheddar, grated
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/4 cup bread crumbs, toasted
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/3 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons prepared mustard
1 (3-ounce) can French fried onions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large bowl, combine the ground chuck and next 8 ingredients, mixing well.

In a small bowl, combine the ketchup and mustard. Stir 1/4 cup ketchup mixture into meat mixture, reserving remaining ketchup mixture.

Press meat mixture into a 9 by 5 by 3-inch loaf pan, or shape into a loaf and place on a rack in a broiler pan. Spread remaining ketchup mixture over loaf. Bake 40 minutes. Top with French fried onions; bake another 10 to 15 minutes, or until meat is no longer pink.

Dump Cake (Very Easy)

• 2 cans of pie filling of your choice (I prefer cherry, but apple or peach will also work)
• 1 box of yellow cake mix
• 1-1/2 sticks of butter or margarine

Dump the two cans of pie filling into a 9x13 casserole dish.
Sprinkle the box of yellow cake mix over the top.
Melt the butter and drizzle it evenly over the cake mix.
Bake at 350°F for 35-40 minutes.

Buffalo Chicken Pasta

1/2 c blue cheese dressing
1/2 c sour cream
3 T Franks buffalo hot sauce
1/2 c skim milk
8 oz chicken breast cut in bite size pieces
2 tsp olive oil
6 oz penne pasta

Season and cook chicken breast in olive oil, when finished add remaining ingredients and heat through.